The perils of dating a hipster

Posted by Fearghus Roulston on February 19, 2014

I’m sure there are loads of great things about dating a hipster - they’d probably let you use their typewriter, you’d have access to all the plaid in the world, and if you ever fancied hosting a belated vigil for Steve Jobs they’d be all over it.

With these ‘perks’ in mind, hooking up with a hipster is clearly a dream for, let’s face it, most people. However, before you go getting off with one of these offbeat facial hair-fans, you should learn a little about the perils of diving into this intriguing and often bizarre subculture.

1. You have to go on a #Hipsterfirstdate

“So, I thought we could head to the genius bar. On an unrelated note how much experience do you have of riding a Penny Farthing?”


2. You look uncomfortably like your parents back in the day

It’s okay though, you probably don’t subconsciously want to shag your dad.


3. You have to listen to their terrible music

You can’t really understand until you’ve actually had to get romantic to a mashup track featuring the sounds of rhinos mating and iced tea being stirred.

4. Have you ever really wanted to have ‘offbeat’ sex? Does anyone?

You’ll soon discover‘ that being mainstream’ isn’t actually the worst thing in the world when it comes to sex.

5. You can forget your classic movie moment guitar serenade...

These days it’s all about the erm...iPad ukelele. Romance is not dead - you heard it here first.


6. You’re going to have to deal with other people eyeballin’ your hipster

Fortunately it’s probably not because they want to bang them. Nope, that pleasure is all yours.


7. You’ll be kept way too informed about their diet

Yet another picture of his veggie burger under a Sierra filter #thanksnothanks #burgeroff

8. You won’t be able to impress them ever

Anything you start to like, they’ll be forced to immediately reject on principle.


9. They don’t always do ‘sexy’ well

Man: "Siri, how do I look?"

Siri: "Your dad hates you"


10. You have to pretend they’re not a hipster

The first rule of being a hipster is never to admit that you are one, because being a hipster is like, totes mainstream these days.


11. You’re not allowed to be cool

If people start to think you’re cool, your new boyf or girlf would break up with you faster than they can say “so, for me, this ‘relationship’ has been nothing more than, like, a totally rad experiment in satire.”

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